A Miami Dolphin, A Healthy Nurse, And A Drop Dead Gorgeous Blonde

Please excuse my absence for the next week. I will be going home to see my family which includes a 91 year old spunky granny, a muscle man brother, and my mommy!

I will miss all of you. I will be back before ya know it. You probably won't even notice I'm gone. Lol.

Nobody Has The Right To Play God With The Life of Another

I've been thinking a lot lately about how each of us ultimately chooses his or her own reality. However, what about the person who intentionally plays God with the life of others? What person should have the right to meddle.

I can't stand most cults or organized religions. This is not so much because of a belief in God or a higher power as much as it has to do with taking one way of thinking and forcing a belief system on everyone else.

Nobody has the right to align stars for politicians to put them in office. Nobody has the right to break one person's will to give strength to another. Nobody has the right to bully to feel significant. Nobody has the right to cause someone to become mentally ill by attempting to control the way they think.

Nobody has the right to control all realities knowing it will increase their probability of becoming wealthy.

There is no righteousness in power or greed. There is no God in forcing another person to do something they don't want to.

Raping a mind is not the path of God. Making someone feel anxiety stricken to exude trauma is not a person who seeks to help another as much it is a person who seeks to help the person in the mirror.

Scientology and most cults are not about uplifting others as much as much as they are about breaking will and bending consciousness.

To love another has nothing to do with breaking will. To love another is to protect them from harm when others seek to crush them.

To love another is not to publicly demean other people or to speak for those who lack the voice to speak for themselves.

To love another is to give and one day have faith they will return if they have left you.

To love another is to let go. To love another is to know you did the right thing even when others condemn you for it.

I have loved so much in my life.

If some only knew how much I loved. If some just only knew.

A Building And A Butterfly (Day One)

Today I thought about a building with a butterfly associated with it. And I sit here tonight full of p*ss, s*it, and vinegar knowing I've done the right thing regardless of what other people might think. Honesty is always the best policy. My conscience is clear now.
Gee, what is that? No cuss words tonight! Holey smoley! What's next?

Butterfly

Dear beautiful butterfly
Never bow your head in shame
The angels didn't design you
To let such colors hide in vain

Spread your wings towards heaven
Remove the shrouded veil
Let passion pierce the catacombs
Surrender to what you feel

Reach beyond every horizon
Breathe in sun kissed skies
Relinquish dormant hunger
Unleash what is locked inside

If God could grant me just one wish
I'd let you see yourself through my eyes
And I'd shed every doubt and conquer those fears
Sweet beautiful butterfly

(I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you. Dance for me butterfly.)

The Power Of Words

There are many people in this world who don't realize just how powerful words can be. Words can be used to pass wisdom on. They can be used to uplift a person. Or they can be used to say demeaning things and stain pages with speculative thoughts. They can be used to meddle in other people's business. They can be used to spread lies and gossip. They can be used to influence outcomes. They can be used to say things publicly which just should have stayed private. They can be used to bully.

But most of all, the meaning behind them can become skewed if a person takes what is written the wrong way.

Worse yet, add laws of attraction to the mix.

What would you do if someone close to you affected your life so much that negative things began to happen? Would you not try to stop such events from taking place if you could?

The one lesson I learned, this past week, is just how words and thoughts can attract negativity into a person's life.

The other lesson I learned is sometimes my fears and anxiety issues get the best of me.

Worse yet, I'm also experiencing something I can't quite explain. The difficult part in what I'm going through is learning to let go instead of trying to control all outcomes. This is a big problem for me and I know I need help for it.

What is even more difficult, however, is seeing the things I do and having other people judge me when I'm anxiety stricken.

I honestly don't need anymore anxiety in my life right now.

I realize things I have done and I intend to get help for it.

The only problem is anxiety isn't the only issue. The other things happening are so frightening I wouldn't wish my existence upon anyone.

My grandmother used to say that if a person doesn't have a nice thing to say, then they should remain silent and say nothing.

I would have to agree with her at this point in my life. I've seen people do some rotten things to other people via the Internet. I've seen people publish photos without permission. I've seen people publish emails which should remain private. Yet what I don't understand at all is the reason people keep other people's emails.

I just don't get it. I currently save no emails. To do so is chicken shit. I made a promise to people that I would never print anything in emails and I intend to keep that promise.

Regardless of what has been done in the past, I really am trying to move on with my life and become a better person.

I do realize I still have a ways to go though. This would also mean I am going to stay away from people who trigger my anxiety until I figure out how to master such issues.

I've got other things going on right now too. Personal things. But I don't want this to become some pity potty thread.

So I guess I'm about done ranting now.

I ultimately realize I need to stay focused and learn to stay positive.

Some days it has been really difficult lately.

I can only say I'm going to try, and that's all I ultimately can say.

The rest gets done in simply doing, I guess. I have never expected anybody else to save me or change me.

I don't expect support if my problems become too much to handle.

But the one thing that would be nice is to have people not play perception games with me at a time when I honestly need support.

I put my site meter code up a couple of days ago and I'm going to be removing it again when I get to a computer this afternoon. When I fell out of control, I sometimes try to control my environment.

As stupid as that sounds, I do not feel safe in situations where I feel influenced or controlled by others right now.

The energy of it is just too much for me at times. What is even worse is what happens when I become anxiety prone.

I not only tune into my immediate environment. I also tune into the environment beyond my walls.

I feel everything.

Some days I wish I never had to feel or want or need ever again.

I suppose one day I will overcome this thing. For now I can just seek counseling and remove my stat counter code from this page again.

Interesting enough, there have been several ip address pop up from military bases in Europe and the United States.

I don't even want to speculate what that is all about.

For now, I am simply going to try and get a descent night of sleep.

Faith

Sometimes a person has to have faith.

When everything feels taken away, one must believe there is still more.

When bridges have been burned, one must find the strength to build their own bridges.

When mountains seem too high to ever reach the top, one must believe they can overcome any obstacle.

When something feels soul breaking, it is best to simply smile and bend.

When other people give up, true strength is shown by not quitting.

When one feels all alone, are they really all alone if they have faith?

I sit here tonight staring up at a sky blanketed with stars knowing everything happens for a reason.

I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid to die anymore.

I realize there is no faith when there is fear.

And if someone isn't capable of believing what the eyes can't see yet, are they really capable of believing in anything at all?

So I choose faith. It is the one thing nobody can ever take from me.

The Death Card

Most people don't realize an interesting history when it comes to the placement of the tarot cards in a deck. Interesting enough, the TEMPERANCE CARD is actually placed between the DEATH and DEVIL card for a reason. It is because the angel who has one foot placed on the land, and the other on the sea, guides those who have died to live eternally or to be handed to the devil and be condemned to hell.

So I guess if my hands were tied, and I had to choose between a red headed or blonde headed friend to die of an aneurysm, I'd pick the red headed nurse. Not that I have anything against Pippy Longstocking or nothing.

I guess I've just always preferred Blondes.

Eating Healthy, Keeping Busy, & Staying Positive

Just a short note for this weekend. Today I'm cutting all of the crap out of my diet entirely. I also have already paid for and scheduled my first marathon in February. As far as staying positive goes, I think that is mostly an ability to refocus when negative things happen and to learn to not dwell on stupid crap so much. One way I manage to stay positive is by simply staying busy.

Have a lovely weekend. xoxoxo.

Some People You've Just Got To Disconnect From

When a person wants me and they can't take no for an answer, I find sometimes it is better to just disconnect from them. I don't mean to sound like a bitch but gravitating towards a shithead only means one brings more shit into their life. I just talked to a dear loyal friend from the UK this morning. So loyal, in fact, she put her own life aside to console me. There have been some things in my life lately which have been going on which have left me confused. So I just want to thank Ubermouth for all of the times she has been there for me.

As far as the other needy shithead in my comment section goes, get a fucking life.

I don't want anything to do with your crazy ass and I'm not putting any of your comments through. I'm disconnecting from you entirely.

I've got your ticket.