Born On The Fourth Of July

Two funny things happened this week.

I was getting out of my truck yesterday while bitching about the heat. A
young man standing beside my truck told me that I was right and I was hot.

I laughed my ass off. Not that I have anything against being hit on by a black man, but he looked like he was probably about 18 years old.

I like my fruit to not be freshly plucked from a mother's tit.

Speaking of mothers. My mom phoned me this week and cut the conversation short because she was worried about my grandmother because she had been up all night.

I asked her if she was all right and all my mother said was she was going to go over and check on her.

Later on I would receive another call from my mother telling me not to worry and that my grandmother was tired because she had been up all night partying.

I thought that was cute.

My grandmother turns 91 today.

Don't tell her that though.

I Am Going To Try To Be A Better Person

I used to use this blog as a diary and didn't think much about the words which came out of my own mouth.

However, ambiguity is now a thing of the past and somehow my creativity has left the building with it.

The more one is known, the more their words can be manipulated into becoming something which they are not.

Perception can so easily become twisted on the internet.

I used to come home every day and I couldn't wait to get my next story out of me onto this paper. I couldn't wait to read my favorite blogs.

Now all I do is wonder how every thing I say will be interpreted by everybody who sits silently waiting for me to stumble over my own words. It seems there is no more relaxing and just simply writing down what I feel anymore.

It's not that I give a shit what other people think about me.

But I do care how my words might be used against others I care about or how what I say might affect them.

I don't quite understand how one person could put another person's name up on their blog and say so many evil things about one person.

I have seen the wrong people do and how they pretend to be angels on their blogs while running around emailing people to manipulate perception behind the scenes.

I'm no angel. I never claimed to be.

I just don't understand why so many people claim to be innocent when they know the wrong they have done.

Almost 40 And Starting Over

I don't know why most women turn 40 and think life is over. I believe a number is just a number and the rest is a mindset.

Everyone fails at one point in life. Some of the biggest lessons are learned by making mistakes.

I myself have made plenty, but today, for the first time in almost 7 months, I decided to go back to the diet clinic and give weight loss another try.

I just looked at the program book and the following quotes I liked:

1) It's never too late to be what you might of been.
2) You can see difficulty in every opportunity, or opportunity in every difficulty.
3) My mind is my garden, my thoughts are my seeds. I will harvest either flowers or weeds.

Nice quotes but I threw the rest of the book in the garbage. I know how to lose weight. I just need to learn to focus again.

Now it's time to kill some fucking weeds.

Making Progress

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."~ George Bernard Shaw

For the first time in almost a year, I finally own a secure telephone again. For the first time in a year, I finally have an atm card again. For the first time in a long time I am in control of my life again.

Just when everyone thought I would change, the world changed around me. Just when everyone counted me out, I realize I still count.

Just when everyone thought I was dead, I came back from the ashes of defeat again just to prove everyone wrong.

Dwelling

Dwelling. Does it make things better or worse?

The average person will dwell on at least one topic every single day. For some, their constant thought process might consist of worrying over the safety of a newborn child. For others, the topic focused on involves the bills which keep piling up.

But when does this trait become unhealthy? And is it possible to cause even more negative occurrences to take place by constantly thinking about things which can not be controlled?

When a fire gets big enough, it can actually create its own weather system. Could the same thing not be said about a thought which creates uncontrollable passion until the end result produces catastrophic results? When one person feels, does that emotion not eventually affect the environment which surrounds them?

















Regardless of this fact, the storm will always supersede passion and emotional occurrences will always take place.

I don't much care for living in a non emotional world to prevent my world from changing around me, but perhaps the answer isn't in "containing" what is in one's heart or in disconnecting from those who are indifferent.

Perhaps the answer lies in focusing one's passion on those things which might bring about a positive difference.

As Marian Edelman might say, "So often we dwell on the things that seem impossible rather than on the things that are possible. So often we are depressed by what remains to be done and forget to be thankful for all that has been done."

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."~Mark Twain

Letting Go Of Bitterness

There is often a thin line between being a victim and victimizing another. What usually makes a person cross over that line is harbored bitterness.

An intelligent man once said, "An education is merely what is left over after the majority of what has been taught has been forgotten."

For some of us, life is an endless circle. There will always be occurrences, which end with the same results, and a gravitation towards the same types of people.

I often wonder if bitterness is actually a projection on others of a manifested anger which is felt after a replayed circumstance.

If the man you are angry with reminds you of your father, are you really angry with that person or are you actually still angry at your father?

I used to think in such black and white.

I used to tell myself that good is good and bad is bad. A rapist is a rapist and a murderer is a murderer.

And the victim of a perpetrator is simply that.

A victim.

However, lately I am beginning to understand that perhaps most people who have harmed others were once also harmed themselves.

It is often easy to judge those who have chosen a different path in life- especially if a person can only see a portion of any given picture.

I sometimes shake my head when I continue to see so much suffering in this world.

Ultimately though, I realize life is one big lesson.

Change is a bridge which can only be crossed by learning to let go.