Something New Sunday #5

This week was the first week I signed my new name on paper. I thought I would mess up or accidentally write my other name due to it being a habit. Surprisingly, I did not.

I wish I had more to blog about. However, I do not. I wish I could be the type of blogger who blogged about things just to make other readers happy.

Scratch that. No I don't. Fuck other people.

Most people in this world only care about the person in the mirror anyway.

I don't want anything to do with anybody anymore. I've tried and I'm done giving people the benefit of the doubt or thinking that there are actually people in this world who do care.

Somebody knows about what happened to me and somebody covered it up. Even blogger changed between two different menus at one time. (www.blogger.com/start & www.blogger.com/start2) Why did they do this if someone doesn't know something? Changing blogs or shutting them down doesn't change anything.

Putting a band-aid on a problem doesn't fix it. At least I've got the balls to say that. I hate it when people think silence solves problems. It doesn't solve a fucking thing.

Bullshit is still bullshit even if one ignores the fact that they are knee deep in it.

Eternal Life

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last."~ Revelations 22:13

Did the atbash Cipher come before these words were written by John, or did John write these words to tell God's people to use the Atbash Cipher?

I've been doing more research lately and have decided to take a course in Hebrew when it becomes available.

Does anybody out there know what it is like to realize something without knowing how or why or just where the information is coming from?

Would it frighten you if you understood something without knowing why you knew it?

What if you woke up one day and could speak another language without being taught to do so? Would you go a little crazy trying to understand why?

Old Blogroll Updated Again

Crushedbyingsoc.blogspot.com has now been shut down due to terms of service violations and a new blog has now opened up which is crushedwithkisses.blogspot.com. Same blog, copied & pasted, with a different name.

Onesouthernfitsall.blogspot.com has more then one blog now. The most recent one is bsputrest.blogspot.com which hasn't been used yet.

Everything else has stayed the same with the exception of more blog closures.

Refer to the following link for the remaining blogs:
http://shelly-rayedeane.blogspot.com/2009/02/old-blogroll-updated.html

What Influences You?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things which often influence people without most even consciously being aware of it:

A billboard one drives by on the way to work.


A bumper sticker seen on a vehicle while sitting at a stoplight.



The name of a street sign at an intersection connecting to another sign which points down a road which eventually leads to nowhere.


It seems there are so many crossroads in one lifetime.

However, one question always seems to go unanswered.

Is it the person which changes the environment or the environment which changes the person?

And can one truly erase all the roads they have been down if they choose another path tomorrow?

I think the hardest part about getting older isn't necessarily looking in the mirror and seeing a new gray hair or another wrinkle. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that there can never be a new tomorrow if every fork chosen circles right back to the beginning again and again.

Regardless of this fact, change isn't what I fear the most.

What I fear the most is that someone else already wrote my future for me and has taken away my right to choose. Somebody please tell me where in the hell the hope is in that?

Somebody please tell me where reality begins and all of the lies end anymore?

Nearly eight years ago a girl quit a job because she got really sick. Nearly eight years ago that same girl would stay in a bedroom for nearly six months and not speak to anyone. Eventually she would become employed again after telling her mother she thought she might have decoded a portion of the Bible.

However, she didn't know exactly how she had formulated some of the conclusions she came up with or exactly why.

Later on, she would put the Bible down again, move away, and not give much thought to those things she had previously mentioned.

And nearly eight years later, everything she once feared might actually happen, began to become a reality.

To some, it might appear that I have merely chosen one more fork in the road which lead me back to the beginning again. But did I really choose this path or did my path choose me?

I honestly don't know the answer to that question anymore. Some days I wake up and wish I could forget. And some days I wake up and I long to remember.

So which path did you choose to lead you to this moment in time?

And how many people influenced you, along the way, and caused you to wind up at this intersection?

If you were to take a random picture of the first billboard you saw today, and the first bumper sticker you noticed after seeing the billboard, would the first intersection you passed after seeing the bumper sticker make you come to any conclusions about what your environment says about who you are as a person?

Something New Sunday #4

This week I truly tried something I've never done before. I was sitting in a line at Starbucks waiting behind about 10 cars.

Stupid ass me got stuck in the middle of the line when I needed to go to the bathroom. Leave it to me to go and buy some coffee when I really needed to go wee.

The line actually moved pretty fast until it got to the car right in front of me. I couldn't figure out just what in the hell this lady ordered. I kept thinking to myself that she must of had a big family because of that big ass blazer she was driving.

(All I kept asking myself is just why is it that people in vans and SUV's always go through the fucking drive-thru and place orders for more then 2 or 3 people?)

Then, I get to the window and find out the fat ass I was waiting for was actually me. Yes, the lady in the blazer took so long because she was paying for my order.

I guess there is this thing at Starbuck's where one person can actually pay for the car behind them. How fucking cool. I felt like I won the coffee lottery!!!

I never win anything. Can you tell?

I couldn't believe it and I felt guilty as hell for being pissed because she took so long.

A couple of days later I went to the Starbuck's again and paid for the car behind me.

I'm not going to lie. I thought I was going to really feel good inside when I gave to somebody else without them knowing about it; however, I didn't.

But it did make my day when the lady paid for my order.

I keep asking myself why is this? I think it's because it's the first time in my life someone gave me something without expecting anything back in return. It was the first time in a long time I had a really good day and could focus on something else for a change.

Psychological Manipulation

There are some people in this world who feel powerful when they control others.

There are some who think they have the right to play God with the lives of some just because they make more money then most do.

There are some who lie with a smile on their face and who manipulate others to do the same without giving much thought to their actions.

Just know, the foundation of lies you build today might come crumbling down tomorrow.

What Determines Self-Worth?

Today I cleaned my car out. I see all of these homeless people sleeping in cars and I find it sad that they eventually succumb to looking like they actually sleep in a car instead of taking care of appearances.

Does that make any sense?

I guess I don't get how people can make excuses for looking like a scumbag just because they don't have any money.

I don't own much anything of materialistic value anymore even though a lot of people still owe me cash. Isn't it funny how people who owe never pay up when the money is needed?

Regardless of this fact, my car is still clean, I take a shower nearly every day, and my bills are all paid.

So just what is it that makes a person become so overwhelmed that they eventually turn into a scumbag?

Is it drug use? A lack of education? Mental illness? Or a lack of hope?

I can't honestly answer this question. Perhaps is it a lack of love?

Either way, I don't have much love in my life anymore, but I still take care of what needs to get done.

I would say my only real dysfunctional trait, right now, which keeps money out of my bank account is gluttony.

I know I could make a hell of a lot more dough if I wasn't such a piggy.

However, I can still see the areas of my life which lack balance and need improvement.

Perhaps that is the thin line which separates a scumbag from a person who is simply just down and out.

The funny thing is, some scumbags still dress nicely and own fancy cars. In my opinion, the drug dealer is no better then the addict even if He makes the Forbes 100 list.

I believe a gutter is still a gutter even if it is paved in gold.

It's a shame so many don't understand this concept.

Justice

New York

Justice is something which happens to make those who do wrong pay for the consequences of their actions. It's unfortunate, however, that sometimes those who make wrong decisions are usually connected to innocent people who end up suffering unjustly.

I've heard so much bullshit recently about people who are too big to fail. Perhaps that in itself is the problem. Some of the biggest lessons are learned, in life, when one fails.

Thus, if someone should acquire a status, where failure is not an option, how can anyone expect for corruption to not be the end result?

Something New Sunday #3

This week I got a new social security card and finalized my new name change. The remainder of the paperwork should be done within the next month. I also went out and bought new pants because the ones I used to wear were getting too tight.

I realize change in one area doesn't necessarily mean change in another. I realize I still need to lose weight and that I haven't been focusing much on that lately.

I sometimes wonder if I'm not staying fat intentionally just so nobody will look at me in that way ever again. I don't want anyone to get close to me right now because I really don't know who to trust anymore.

I learned a valuable lesson these past two years.

It's all just an illusion really. Image alone doesn't mean shit.

Sometimes what people let you perceive about them isn't necessarily the truth. It's just a mask worn so other people don't get close enough to see through the bullshit and lies.

A person takes a psychology class to cover up their mental illness.

Another person can't commit to any relationships for fear of feeling out of control, and preaches the gospel to others about how being a sexual deviant will solve all this world's problems.

Another woman is a whore on the Internet and a mother who covers up her secret life with a smile on her face.

One man claims there is no God while playing God with the lives of others.

And me? I'm just too forward, tell people like it is, and don't back down even when I'm bullied. I wear no mask. If I were to have children tomorrow, there would be no need to hide any secrets from them.

I don't pretend to be something I am not.

And I never will.

Perhaps I'm not the only person who needs to buy a new pair of trousers.

Pictures In The Sky

Life is like a kaleidoscope. You look at the picture and think what you are seeing makes you happy.

Then one day something comes along to twist things and to make you realize it's all just an illusion.

For one to put themselves in a better place often requires focusing on a different set of events which ultimately changes the picture again.

I think that's the place I'm at right now.

I don't know where to focus my energies because I don't want to get close to something only to find out it's all just an illusion again.

So which way should I turn?

I honestly don't know.

What Is Written

Did the event happen prior to what is written, or did we write about the event prior to it happening?

Before answering this question, one really needs to take symbolism into consideration.

I have an assignment for you to do so you'll understand the message I am trying to convey here.

Look up the etymology of your birth name and the meaning of the name of the city where you were born.

After you've accomplished this task, ask yourself how many events in your lifetime have linked back to those exact same definitions again and again without you even consciously realizing it.

Nearly every path, I have chosen in my life, has linked to the word "fire" somehow.

I'm a Sagittarius which is universally known as a fire sign. When I was 6 years old, an arsonist set fire to my house and burned it to the ground leaving me and my family homeless for a short period of time.

At the age of 18, I would join the fire department and would spend the next 7 1/2 years of my life never seeing a day off on the 4th of July.

And in 2001, I would become a member of the Police department in a city which once burned to the ground and used a Phoenix on its new flag to symbolize something which rises up out of the ashes of despair.

Do you believe in irony or coincidence?

Better yet, do you believe it might be possible for an individual to be subliminally affected by a word they write on a piece of paper, again and again, without really giving much thought to the meaning of the written words?

How many times have any one of us written a birthplace or a name on a legal document? Could this affect the way a person thinks without a person fully realizing it? And can a person ever truly escape their environment if they think the same way or write down the same thoughts repetitiously?

The town I was born in was called Ashland and if one were to trace the history, along with the timeline of my life, they would know exactly why I was born there.

So was my life chosen or pre-destined?

It seems sometimes it doesn't matter which choices I have made. Every thought eventually leads me right back to the beginning either way.

Some say people should acquire knowledge about history so we are not doomed to repeat it.

I say we will always be doomed to repeat it.

So acquire knowledge not based on the fear of repetition or of failure, but so one will know which side to be on once the final swords have all been laid to rest.

My Thoughts, Your Mouth

What would you do if you woke up one day and were forced to act a certain way even if you didn't want to?

Let's add another factor to the equation. What if someone figured out a way to divert energy your way if you tried to express any sort of individuality? What if they knew all of your deepest secrets and where your family members lived? Would you feel threatened?

What if that accidental car wreck, your neighbor just got in, was actually sent your way to keep you in compliance with a belief system you didn't believe in?

Would you choose to remain silent to protect your children?

Would you be as creative as you used to be if you could no longer relax?

And what would eventually happen to your emotions if everyone connected to you could be harmed if you didn't speak or talk a certain way?

Would you really become a better person even if you didn't believe in the words which came out of your own mouth anymore?

Would you still know what the word love meant if everything you loved could be taken away from you just because your life fell out of sync with the lives of others?

Would you try to figure out a way to outsmart the system or would your will eventually be broken?

Would you grow bitter even though you were forced to wear a smile on your face?

Would you be content to be wealthy if the money earned resulted in bloodshed?

Who would you become if you could no longer be the person you once were because uncontrollable circumstances prevented it?

Would you still be capable of real happiness?

Would the people surrounding you be truly happy or would they just be pretending to be? Would you know who to trust?

Where would the lie end and truth and reality begin anymore?

What might become of your world?

What might happen to your words if someone tried to silence you just because you adversely affected the life of others and someone deemed your soul to be disposable?

And how effective would the sword of one tongue be if only one group were eventually allowed to control the sharpness of every blade?

Something New Sunday #2

This past week, I went out and bought a new purse. I'm really not much into purses. However, when the one you have has lint coming out of the gut of it, I think it's time to get another one.

The logic problems are coming easier now. I look back at the ones I used to not be able to focus on long enough to complete them, and I laugh at how easy they are to do now. I'm about halfway finished with the new puzzle book I just bought.

The one above is at a medium difficulty level and comes from an April 2009 issue of Dell Logic Lovers Logic Problems. Go ahead and print it out and try it.

Put an "X" in any box which is a definite no and a "." in a box which is a definite yes. I'll put the answers in the comment section of this post next week.

Is Multi-Tasking Really A Good Thing?

I went in and got a facial and my eyebrows waxed off this week. I need to remember to stop getting so engrossed in a conversation with my esthetician when she puts the wax on.

Dear God, my fucking eyelids hurt.

It feels like I have a third degree burn on my eyeballs.

This sort of reminds me of the time I went in to get my hair frosted and my hairdresser was pissed off at her son.

Nosey-ass me had to ask her what was wrong while she was busy pulling my hair through that cap.

Afterwards, it felt like my fucking head had just been used as a pin cushion.

Sometimes people don't consciously realize the harm they do to others when they get upset or while they are focusing on multiple things at one time.

In Limbo

Last night was the first time I got at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep in months. I don't know what it is about the rain, but it makes me drool on my pillow like a baby.

There's nothing going on in my life right now. All of my bills are finally caught up though. I'm grateful I'm not one of the unlucky ones who lost half of their money in the stock market.

I'd like to focus on something new, to redirect my energy, but I really still don't feel any sense of purpose just yet.

Truth be told, I'm afraid to focus too much on just one thing.

I'm not going to get into it, but I know what happens when I do.

So, for the time being, my life is in a state of limbo.

Something New Sunday

I've decided to start a section here where I post something new, every Sunday, which I've never done before. I've been trying to think of ways to "refocus" my thoughts, but it's been very difficult for me this past year.

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions because I feel it's just a way most people set themselves up for failure. A person is much more likely to change something about themselves if they do it in little steps, over time, rather then giant ones.

This week I actually told myself I was going to use my "face products" religiously to see if it would make a difference.

It was kind of a pain in the ass to stick to a routine. I'm not going to lie though. The stuff is expensive as hell, but it really does work.